Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
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When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house