WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Meow?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
same vibe as tangled headphones
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
hey, alexa
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING