Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.