If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle