Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.