“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
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I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?