Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You Might Also Like
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Saturday
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food