“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
You Might Also Like
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella