Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.