there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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so no one told you life was gonna be this way
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
ibopfufen
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work