If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.