Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Pat is about to own someone
🤣😂
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
reduce, reuse, recycle
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.