You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I WON A HAM TODAY
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…