I’m literally crying
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
ouch
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?