[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.