I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
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Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating