My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
You Might Also Like
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*