agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.