My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
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I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.