I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
When news reporters do sports stories
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna