I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
yeah no that’s fair
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂