On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
You Might Also Like
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*