BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.