How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
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I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Lmbo
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I think about this a lot
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
umm…
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.