I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Challenge accepted.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area