To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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when you order from DoorDastardly
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster