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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
What flavor cupcake are these
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Don’t forget to tip your server
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.