A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot