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Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
any last words?