got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
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Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets