The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
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Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.