An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”