Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
You Might Also Like
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.