Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
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whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
every. time.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
house sitting!
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.