If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
You Might Also Like
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
me working on my assignments ^-^
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.