An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
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[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Sing it!
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.