3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
You Might Also Like
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
At least try to make it slightly believable
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I falcon love using swear birds
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.