I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
my nickname in college
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
❤️❤️❤️
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.