I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
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I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Traveler’s camo
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
asked my bf how work was today
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Nothing to do, you say?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.