Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
The government even made aliens boring
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.