“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
You Might Also Like
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.