Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
“what that mouth do?” complain
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel