shit, they caught us—run!!!
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[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.