My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
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That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up