My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran