My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.