If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.