Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.