Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
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I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Favourite diary entry ever
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Google assistant rules
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.