I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
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i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.